you are enough

I've thought about this post for months and months on end. I've debated writing it at all and seriously debated sharing it.

However,

I need to write it. For me.
I need to share it. For anyone else who has been there.

I don't know when it all started. It very well could have been while I was still on my mission. I know I was truly carried those last couple of months by angels. I was pretty broken on the inside when I stepped off that plane. Heartbroken and tired I came home completely terrified of what was waiting.

When I came home from my mission no one was surprised (especially not me), by my emotional and kind of up in the air state of being. As the weeks turned into months I wondered how long it would take for me to come back down to earth. A lot of missionaries struggle returning to normal life. A lot of people break up with people they really care about. A lot of people have a hard time fitting in at BYU. I wasn't traveling down a path that was too difficult, it was just life.

At first I was able to live with the weird feelings and frustration at my social situations. I celebrated 2 weddings, Christmas, a family vacation and moved to school. I was busy busy busy and that was a blessing. When life slowed down for the Frodsham family and I didn't have any more weddings to look forward to, I realized more each day that I wasn't okay.

I was tired a lot but it was college and everyone is tired right? So I took long naps. Those naps turned into all day. Then I stopped going to class. I stopped trying to make friends. I just slept because when I was sleeping I didn't feel. When I was sleeping I didn't social media stalk people from my past or look through old pictures or read old blog posts from when I was happy. When I was sleeping I was safe. My Professors probably thought I was lazy. My roommates knew more about what I was avoiding and did all they could to love me. My grades began to slip because I was so anxious going to campus- afraid of who I would see and how I would feel. I stopped trying feeling like I would never catch up on the work I slept through. I couldn't eat without getting sick. I felt completely unmotivated to exercise. I don't remember now what it was that prompted me to call home but I knew I needed help.

...

I sat in soft chair with a box of tissues on my lap. Two kind, concerned faces looked at me as I cried until my head throbbed. I will never forget the grip on my stomach as she said the word 'depression'.

Depression? but I'm a happy person... Megan is happy and loves life and people. I can't have depression.

Situational depression is different from a chemical imbalance. I was told I would get better with time and attention. The process of healing began there.
I was scared of the idea of a mental illness. I couldn't take an antibiotic and kill the infection. My mom couldn't take the disappointed, anxious or sad feelings out of me and make me better. It had to be me and my choices.

Over the last 9 months I have sat with 3 different therapists, kept a feelings journal, read articles and books about grieving and cried more than I thought was possible. I have prayed and fasted and prayed and hoped and struggled. I've been decently open about it because I needed people who truly cared about me. I indeed am blessed with good friends and family.

There were more times than I care to remember that I put it all back in a box and pushed it into the deepest darkest corners I could find. It always found its way back out again and I would start the process of accepting it all over again.

...

This time last year I was just starting the hardest part of my mission. I remember those days and thinking that I would trade anything in the world to just go home. I didn't know then what coming home from a mission would really be like.

I would like to say that it is important to warn missionaries but people told me it was hard to go home. People told me that it was hard to adjust. People told me that they would have gone back in a heart beat. It is just one of those things that if you haven't experienced it, you won't get it.

I think the same can be said about depression. I can try to explain it- the feelings and ups and downs but until you've been there, you won't get it.

It is different from having a bad day or feeling sad or not getting what you had really hoped for although those kinds of feelings apply.

And for that reason I am writing this. Far more people than we realize pass through times of their life when there really is no other way to describe it but depressing. For those people who are currently struggling...

I've been there.

I write in hope. I write in faith. I write believing with all of my heart that one day you will be okay. One day I will be okay. That is the promise of the atonement. Our Savior Jesus Christ is the only person who will truly get it because my depression is different from yours. Our life experiences are unique.

I went back to one of those soft chairs with another box of tissues on my lap at the beginning of the semester. I left that day without using a single tissue. And for the first time in probably over a year- I feel like Megan. I haven't yet felt the need to go back there.

I think that promised peace has come. I still like to take naps but they are now naps full of dreams not avoidance of real life. My heart still hurts when I think about my time as a missionary or my failed romance or my undetermined life plan. However, that hurt doesn't stay and engulf or paralyze me like it used to. It doesn't cause me to stop trying to feel. There are even times I am grateful for that hurt because it offers me a stark contrast to how I know I should feel when I think about my mission or dating or the future.

My Aunt gave me a bracelet at the end of last semester and written on it were the words "you are enough". I wore that bracelet every single day over the summer. Recently the bracelet began to crack and I have found it pretty poetic that it lasted me until now. I no longer wear it everyday because I am afraid of it breaking. There are plenty of moments as a 21 year old girl that I still need reminding that "you are enough". But today and yesterday and I have high hopes that tomorrow- I remember.

I am enough. My life is good. And I am happy.

Finding Strength in Humility

A quick thought for my benefit.

I've spent the morning packing and calculating funds- tuition and rent and books and a ROC pass (it's more important than books) and my dream of studying abroad in London (which feels really unrealistic today). I was feeling rather pessimistic and took a Facebook break.
One of my best friends had posted an interview of her family friend.

http://www.momstrongutah.com/blog-1/2016/7/26/sadie

It was a small slap in the face to read the story of a women who has trials and financial burdens MUCH greater than mine. It was a humbling few minutes.
I don't believe in coincidences and this morning my scripture study was on pride and humility. I hope to one day be the kind of person that lives close enough to the spirit that the Lord doesn't need to compel me to be humble. However, in my imperfection I was really grateful for the nudge back onto the right track.

The words to the first verse of hymn #130
Be thou humble in thy weakness, and the Lord thy God shall lead thee,
Shall lead thee by the hand and give thee answer to thy prayers.
Be thou humble in thy pleading, and the Lord thy God shall bless thee,
Shall bless thee with a sweet and calm assurance that he cares.

It is comforting to know that He cares about my struggles great and small, that He will always be there not to take away the hard things but to give me the strength I need to keep moving forward.
I have REALLY good friends who inspire me to be better on the daily. Zack, Steph, Hunter and I have been studying the same topics this week and sharing insight in our group text message... yeah I know like I said REALLY good friends.
To quote Zack
"I loved Helaman 3:35 this morning. For a long time I never associated humility with strength, but it says they 'did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ.'...."

I just know that there is NO WAY I will make it through college (or life) on my strength alone. For I am weak but can find strength in humility.

I'm still SUPER stressed but it was a good reminder to stop-breath-keep breathing-and move forward.
Life is a roller-coaster and it would be extremely dull if we didn't go both up and down.

What gives you the right?

In honor the girls going and the girls staying.

Boys have it easy. It is their Priesthood responsibility to serve a mission (now don't for one second think I am saying that missions themselves are easier just the decision). When you are a girl you prepare, prepare, prepare and then find out if a mission is right for you. That "finding out" is no simple magic 8 ball move. The dynamics of Mormon culture since the age change has put all sorts of pressure on female young adults of the church. It seems everyone has an opinion. I have a lot of bottled up frustration on the topic which has resulted in this post.

"You should stay home and get married" "Go on a mission, of course. Think how much it will benefit your future family." "Let me guess you are going on a mission just like every other LDS girl" "Every girl I talk to is leaving on a mission" "Why aren't you going" etc. etc.
Well here is something I have learned- it is not for anyone to have an opinion about.
You can say nothing until you have spent the time on your knees, sleepless nights, and frustrated cries that so often are required when making this decision. They call it personal revelation for a reason. And unless they are your family member or you are their Priesthood leader...

Who are you to have an opinion? Who are you to assume? Who are you to question?

I have just recently returned from my first year of college and while I was there I finalized my decision to serve a mission and for your information-
no I am not going because I have "a missionary"
no I am not going because everyone else is (which is an exaggeration)
no I am not going because I don't want to get married right now
no I did not jump on the bandwagon and make this decision lightly.
and yes I realize that missions are no vacation and that they are VERY hard.

Some stupid RM (turns out just because you went on a mission doesn't mean you are the RM they paint for you when you're in high school) chastised a friend of mine last week for deciding to serve a mission. He warned her that she'll have all sorts of competition when she gets home and it'll be so much harder to get married. haha really? When she told me about this conversation we decided it was a blessing for him that there will be plenty of girls to chase cuz she for sure wasn't interested.
He is just one of many conversations I have heard about and been apart of.
I remember one conversation I had with an adult right after the age change who voiced their opinion that girls were jumping into a mission without realizing the money they required. I was far above irritated at that one. Not your child, not your worry, not your business. Instead of rejoicing at the hastening of the work we are telling young women that money is more important than giving people who are in the dark the light they are been searching for?

I have good friends who have decided that a mission wasn't something they were going to do. Good girls who are doing wonderful things with their lives but when people ask (and they always do) the response they receive is never too warm. My heart has often hurt for these friends who have to deal with their choice, to continue to live righteously and be a missionary without a name tag, is looked down upon.

It isn't an easy time of life as is and then we throw in a decision that will influence the rest of your life in ways you can't even comprehend.

When the age change came it wasn't an awe-ha moment for me. For some people it was and for a while I envied them. The announcement came and went and I still wasn't on the send me on a mission list. As my guy friends in high school started to experience the excitement of receiving a mission call and my sister prepared to leave I began to wonder if that was the path I should be taking. It took some time but I came to realize that a mission may have not been in my plan but it was in my Father in Heaven's plan for me. So don't for one second think I made this decision on a whim. There may be some girls out there who have but the reality is that it is their decision to make and NOTHING gives anyone else the right to question them on it. I went away to college and started my papers the first week I was there. I worked on my papers from August until they were submitted January 1st. It took me that long to know for sure and there are still days I question, still days I feel myself completely panic and think 'what did I get myself into'. However, every time I return to my knees I get the same answer and so I move forward.
In less than a month now I will join the army of missionaries all over the world. What a wonderful time we live in. People are sharing the gospel both at home and as full-time missionaries.
So good for you to the girls who got an answer to share the gospel with those around them and God speed to the ones who bravely submitted mission papers.

It isn't easy to go on a mission. It isn't easy not to go on a mission. It for sure isn't easy to figure out either.

Just so you know- There are more supportive, uplifting people than otherwise. Thank you to those who have been excited for me and supported me either way, this post wasn't about you. To those people (groups of college boys for the most part) who too quickly say whatever comes to your head- this post WAS for you.

General Conference Goodness

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and this is my four minutes.

Words I needed to hear were spoken this year. I'm grateful for the love I felt and the people I listened with. I realized this year how much I have taken for granted the blessing that I have received in the form of frequent conference tickets. Sunday morning is one of my favorite sessions to attended because you get to listen to sounds of Sunday before. Given I was a little sleepy this year but my subconscious appreciated the beautiful music. I'm so grateful for these good looking family members of mine (plus Haley).

 I needed this weekend and wish it could have lasted longer. I'm happiest when I'm with my family! So lucky to get to have them for eternity. I miss them while I am at school and it was especially hard to drive in opposite directions this time.

It sure is fun to be together! I mean look at these studs dressing up for the movies ;)

I need to go re-watch Sunday afternoon because paying attention when the whole Marchant fam is around was not gonna happen. I sure love them and laugh the hardest when I am with them. My family is really close and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I was was a big winner at the Desert Books give away Saturday night, Holla! And of course I had to take a selfie with my fellow Toronto pals! (They both served as mission presidents in my mission.)

Just below the surface

I wonder what I'll think when I look back on this part of my life.

The tears came as I hugged my family goodbye this afternoon.

The tears came again when I walked into my apartment to hugs and 'i missed you's.

The tears came and keep coming. They sit right below the surface ready to leak out given any opportunity.

I wonder if the will be how the next 2 months will go. I sure hope not but the emotional ups and downs only seem to get worse as June 4th gets closer. I love college and I love the crazy, the fun, the loud, the everything. However, I can be surrounded by giggling screaming girls and yet I can feel so alone.

Bring it on Satan. I'm never alone and I recognize that these feelings of discouragement don't come from my Father in Heaven. That's what I will focus on. Time to dig deep and finish the last mile of this race.

I love to see the temple

I've spent my whole life preparing for this day. It came much sooner than I had planned on back when I sang the words of I Love to See the Temple in Primary. I never dreamed that I would be taking this step in my life at 19. The temple is unlike anything I have experienced before. I'm so grateful to have been raised by parents who set a good example for me and helped me get there. I was very flustered and nervous going in. The fact that I forgot my temple recommend on the kitchen table and ended up being late didn't help. However, I'm pretty sure the requirements for being a temple worker include being incredibly kind and motherly and they put my nerves at ease. I'm grateful for the people who were there with me that day as well as the many who weren't but have played significant roles in getting me to this point in my life. I feel happier writing this post than I have in weeks. I'm one step closer to living with my Father in Heaven again. My life has purpose and meaning. God has a plan for His children. The blessings of the temple are beautiful! One day I'll be back in that temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. It was a great day and there aren't words for the feelings I felt.

I still love to see the temple even more now that I have been inside.

empty

105 days... I can make it that long right?

105 days until I get to wear a name tag. [one-hundred five] sounds soon but today it feels like forever. I feel like a part of me is missing and I have been trying to patch up the hole but it feels emptier now then it did before. I think that piece of me will only be filled with the Lord's work. I see people spend their lives with things of this world that provide temporary happiness. Fun for a short moment of time but when it is all said and done they still live in the dark. I may not be able to give them the light they so desperately need but I'm hoping I can to someone in Canada.

CHRISTmas

My spiritual cup is full and overflowing today. At Christmas time we remember the birth of a baby. He wasn't the only baby to be born in humble circumstances at that time or even now. We remember not just the birth a baby boy but who that baby is. He is the baby who grew to be my Savior, who suffered for my sins that I might return to live with him and my Heavenly Father someday. It is Him who I strive to be a little more like each day. It is His church to which I belong. It is His message I want to share. He is the 'reason for the season'. A time to celebrate and remember the birth of the Son of God.

a little Thanksgiving

"When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your life." -Gordon B. Hinckley

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday! You get the great food and even better company without the hustle and bustle of Christmas. I love Christmas but I think Thanksgiving is my favorite because I often get lost in the busyness of the Christmas season and lose the magic of the holiday. Thanksgiving no one is worried about gifts or decorations and it leaves more time to enjoy each other and just be focus on being grateful.
With all of that said, ironically I didn't even express what I was grateful for this last weekend so I'll do it now

Just a few of the many things I am grateful for this year:

+ First and most importantly my Savior Jesus Christ and the knowledge I have been blessed with at such a young age that he knows and loves Megan.
+ My family. 5 of people I love very most in this world. I honestly can't imagine life without them.
+ My sister's example serving a full time mission. Having her away isn't easy but I am grateful for her example. (probably safe to include several other missionaries I miss as well)
+ The opportunity I have to be an Aggie. What a wonderful opportunity I have to receive an education and I wouldn't want to do it anywhere else.
+ Good roommates. I'm glad I live with such fun girls who make me laugh and keep my insides warm in this chilly place.

That is a very short list for I have many MANY blessings. Happy Thanksgiving!

Love Requires Action

I taught relief society today on doing good to others. I was impressed with the insights and experiences shared. The following quote comes from a conference talk entitled You Are My Hands.

True love requires action. We can speak of love all day long—we can write notes or poems that proclaim it, sing songs that praise it, and preach sermons that encourage it—but until we manifest that love in action, our words are nothing but “sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal."


Christ did not just speak about love; He showed it each day of His life. He did not remove Himself from the crowd. Being amidst the people, Jesus reached out to the one. He rescued the lost. He didn’t just teach a class about reaching out in love and then delegate the actual work to others. He not only taught but also showed us how to “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.”


Christ knows how to minister to others perfectly. When the Savior stretches out His hands, those He touches are uplifted and become greater, stronger, and better people as a result.


If we are His hands, should we not do the same?


-President Dieter F Uchrdorf
Read the talk HERE

Coming to college I was excited for life to be 'all about me'. Do whatever I want to do, eat whatever I want, go where I want, etc. pretty much be "Selfish Sally". This lesson was a good reminder to me that true happiness is found when I help God's children. It is my goal this next week to be less focused on me and try harder to be more like the Savior who was the perfect example of selfless service.

Thinking of the Birthday boy

Happy Birthday Braison
It is hard to think it has been 8 years since you went to serve your mission in heaven.  I think about you a lot. Even more so lately as I experience mile stones like high school graduation, missions and college. Some times it still doesn't feel right that you weren't here for all of that. I know that our Father in Heaven had a different plan for you. I can't even imagine the good you are doing with that sweet spirit of yours. You made such an impact in my life in the short time you lived on this earth. I still think of you watching from heaven and it helps me want to be the best I can be. I try to treat others the way you always did with such kindness and love. I love you and miss you Braison Coe Hullinger. One day I will see you again and I hope that I can live the kind of life you would have.
Your friend,
Megan Frodsham

Subtle but Significant Blessings

General Conference Weekend

General Conference is a blessing I often take for granted.  I have such fond memories of sessions I have attended with my family. I love the conference center and am never disappointed by the messages delivered by the Prophets of the Lord.

Another one bites the dust...

15 million members of the church and I got to sit by one of my favorite people. It was the most pleasant surprise and a little mini-miracle. I love this boy so much. He leaves on his mission in just a little over a week now. I will miss his snap chats and phone calls. He seriously is one of the very best friends I have ever had. I wouldn't have made it through my Senior year of high school without him. He will be the most amazing missionary. Zack's example has strengthened my testimony and I have no doubt he will do incredible things speaking Spanish in Nebraska.