Keep Dreaming

As I near the end of my first week of the semester I'm feeling grateful for the opportunity I have to go to school.
Today is September the 1st. 10 years ago today I cried and cried because my letter never came and I wasn't on the Hogwarts express headed toward my dream school.
Instead I find myself sitting the the library of my childhood daydream's second choice. BYU has a different feel this time around. Or maybe I'm just different this semester.
I feel excited about my classes, interested in the things I'm learning and looking forward to what lays ahead.
Now Spanish and Creative Writing aren't exactly charms and transfiguration but they're pretty cool so far.
I signed up for a beginners level Spanish class looking for some easy credits and practice at a language I feel extremely un-confident in. It was a bad idea because I got kicked out. My Professor told me I spoke too much Spanish and then I found myself SUPER stressed day 2 of school rearranging all of my classes so I could take a Spanish class suggested for returned missionaries.
I was afraid of the challenge. I was afraid of pushing myself. I was afraid of the possibility of failing.
It is sad really because growing up I was so much of a Hermione- over achiever. Somewhere along the path of adulting I've lost some of that ambition.
But the truth is... I don't want to be a Ron. I want to be a Hermione (or Ginny.. she is my favorite with her spunk and sass).
In my back to school blessing Dad blessed me to KEEP DREAMING. I was blessed with many beautiful things but that line was my favorite.
It's my new semester motto.
I can do hard things. I can take hard classes and succeed (or learn a whole lot trying). I can balance work, school and a social life. I can dream dreams and turn them into realities.

Life is beautiful

&

School is Cool.

Fresh Start

This is one of the first moments alone since moving back to Provo. It is weird to be home alone. I wanted to do a little reflection before taking part in the very social Provo night life.

I am determined to give BYU and Provo (and adulthood) a fresh start.
I struggled in various ways last semester and felt like life in Provo, as a Cougar didn't get a fair shot.

So... I'M BACK P-TOWN!

Back to looking at that Y on the mountain still having a hard time believing this is where I ended up.

Back with a new job that I like MUCH better than the one before.
I have never been happier making minimum wage. I love Swig and feel a happy kind of tired after leaving there each day.
and of course I'll be nannying because I need kids in my life to feel like Megan. This time they are blood. I've already spent a significant amount of time at my aunts and was thrilled when she offered me a job.

Back but with some good changes in housing. I am just about finished decorating my dorm room. Our apartment feels like a little home and I love being here. The people we live by are social and kind and inclusive. We are a 3 minute walk to class. It's about a perfect as could be.

Back to the stresses of being a student. I better be ready for classes to start because I just dropped $409 on textbooks. Tuition is paid for and rent will be due before I know it. Dad assures me that being a poor college students were some of the best days him and mom had.

Back to Kira and Carly. It's almost like I never left. It's fun to come home to them. It's fun to hang out with Cole and Charlie. It's fun to meet new people and begin to make new friends. It's fun to go on dates and feel nervous and excited and evaluate it all with my roommates and phone calls to mom.

Back to feeling homesick. I must like that family of mine too much because it is hard not to miss them. With Jeff and Justina in Logan and everyone else in St. George I think they should all just come to me on a regular basis because I'm in the middle.

Back to all the good and all the bad but I am in a much better place and am ready for it all.

Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation. 2 Nephi 22:2

Coco

I remember when my family told me they got a dog. I was on a mission and thought they were joking. It took at least 3 weeks for me to believe that the dog wasn't a big prank. I was shocked!
We aren't dog people. I NEVER thought one would live in our house. I was unsure how I felt about it to be honest. I was a little bitter because I would miss the stage of having a cute tiny puppy. By the time I returned home from my mission Coco was still small but a full-grown dog. I didn't really like her.
She ate my stuff.
Pooped on the ground.
Barked at every person who entered the house.
I was just not sure how to handle it because I don't really like pets.

Fast forward now to this morning when I said my goodbyes to the animal that I once wasn't too fond of. I cried so hard!!! I'm still not a dog person but I am a Coco person. That cute thing has us all (me included) wrapped around her little paw. I love my dog like she is a person. (I'm one of those people now)
She makes me feel like a rock star every time I come home.
She knows when I'm sad and looks at me with big puppy eyes that say all the things I need to hear-All-star "ESA" (emotional support animal).
She is still naughty but teaches us patience and to keep our stuff off the floor.

I miss her, craziness and all.

Finding Strength in Humility

A quick thought for my benefit.

I've spent the morning packing and calculating funds- tuition and rent and books and a ROC pass (it's more important than books) and my dream of studying abroad in London (which feels really unrealistic today). I was feeling rather pessimistic and took a Facebook break.
One of my best friends had posted an interview of her family friend.

http://www.momstrongutah.com/blog-1/2016/7/26/sadie

It was a small slap in the face to read the story of a women who has trials and financial burdens MUCH greater than mine. It was a humbling few minutes.
I don't believe in coincidences and this morning my scripture study was on pride and humility. I hope to one day be the kind of person that lives close enough to the spirit that the Lord doesn't need to compel me to be humble. However, in my imperfection I was really grateful for the nudge back onto the right track.

The words to the first verse of hymn #130
Be thou humble in thy weakness, and the Lord thy God shall lead thee,
Shall lead thee by the hand and give thee answer to thy prayers.
Be thou humble in thy pleading, and the Lord thy God shall bless thee,
Shall bless thee with a sweet and calm assurance that he cares.

It is comforting to know that He cares about my struggles great and small, that He will always be there not to take away the hard things but to give me the strength I need to keep moving forward.
I have REALLY good friends who inspire me to be better on the daily. Zack, Steph, Hunter and I have been studying the same topics this week and sharing insight in our group text message... yeah I know like I said REALLY good friends.
To quote Zack
"I loved Helaman 3:35 this morning. For a long time I never associated humility with strength, but it says they 'did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ.'...."

I just know that there is NO WAY I will make it through college (or life) on my strength alone. For I am weak but can find strength in humility.

I'm still SUPER stressed but it was a good reminder to stop-breath-keep breathing-and move forward.
Life is a roller-coaster and it would be extremely dull if we didn't go both up and down.

Space Junk and Rain Storms

I seem to get the strongest blog cravings on nights I have so many things that I really need to get done. Who needs sleep anyway? Instead we blog journal :)

There was a short summer rain storm this afternoon. Summer rain is my very most favorite! It came down so hard and fast and I couldn't get enough. The sound of big rain drops and the smell they bring seem to always inspire my thoughts to go a little deeper. I watched my young friends run around the backyard and scream in glee while thoughts of 'oh what a wonderful world' and memories of past summers rains danced around my head.
Driving home from work I opened the sun roof and rolled down all the windows and soaked in as much hot St. George goodness as I could. The months have become weeks and the weeks soon will be days before I move back to school. I love my home town (even if I complain about the heat every day).
I was lucky to grow up here. Lucky to have ran around in many of my own magical summer rain storms.
I was swimming late last night with some of the friends I danced in childhood and high school summer rain storms with. We were having a good old time when what the internet has told us was "space junk" shot across the sky. It is hard to explain just how big and bright and long it all lasted. Long enough for multiple people to jump out of the pool to try and catch a video of it.
The video didn't even come close to just how super duper awesome it was. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It kinda reminded me just how small St. George city really is. It is one city, in one state, in one country.. so on and so forth in a big giant universe full of planets and space junk. What a blessing that of all the places I could have ended up Heavenly Father let me come to S.T.G.
Maybe I'm biased but I don't believe that there is anywhere better.
Only 2 weeks left of Summer 2k16 in St. George. Maybe I'll get lucky and have more St. George summers.. we will see where life takes me. Where ever I may go-

There is no place like HOME.

 Home now includes a puppy that the longer I live with the more I like. Cooper took the picture on the right. He does pretty good for 3 years old. If I don't watch him he knows how to facetime people and LOVES any chance he gets to chat with anyone who will listen to him. He calls Zack at least 2 times every day and many more if I let him.

Blog craving killed :) and 11:00pm is the prefect time to start on today's do to list items right?

Heartbreaks

(This is one of those might never be published posts but I will never sleep while the words float around my head)

It has been a terrible, no good, very bad 6 days. My coping has ranged from running way too far in the hot St. George heat that might have given me a little heat stroke 

to

eating cake and ice cream in my bed while watching Netflix until I exhaust myself to sleep. (and then having nightmares from the sugar I'm sure)

Those balance each other out right?

Dramatic? probably. but that's dating for ya.

I've learned a thing or two over the last period of my life about heartbreaks.

It is far easier to be mad than sad.

Angry, irritation, and bitterness have been my fallback. The immature and unhealthy way, maybe.
As painful as those feelings can be they are easier to acknowledge than disappointment, despair and dismay. Underneath the anger that is what is hiding anyway.
I've worried that those feelings of grief without anger meant I was making a mistake.
This time around in my dating endeavors he gave me nothing to be angry about or frustrated at. He was nothing but kind, mature and honest as I struggled to form complete sentences. In some ways that made it worse and harder to let go.

My summer romance was some what of a big time-out from life's worries. It was full of magical moments and meaningful memories. Full of laughs and new friendships. I loved it. I felt safe there in a new little bubble of happy. As the timeout clock began to run short on time I realized what going back into the game would mean. I began to panic when I realized I couldn't hide in my happy bubble for much longer. All of the things I came home for the summer to figure out were still there. I still had to go back to school. I had chosen to ignore most of it. In some ways it was needed but it was also time to put the cleats back on and step onto the field again.

Going through old boxes of crap I came across a poem I had written after my very first heartbreak. At 16 years old I remember feeling like I would never be okay again.

Everyone knows it isn't easy to have a broken heart
ripped out torn to pieces left with just a part.
Wishing I could move on, not live in the past.
But it's not that easy to move on quite so fast.
One day at a time I'll take it rather slow,
trying to forget that one last final blow.
Hold on to the good time, throw away the bad,
Maybe someday soon I wont be so sad.

I wish that we could go back to the way things were before.
Instead I have to sit here curled on the floor.
No way to start over
Just a bit too late
How much I wish and want just to wipe the slate.
Although this heart inside me aches and puts up a fight.
I hear this little voice of reason that reminds me it isn't right.

I think about that one night moon lit walks in the park
didn't want to go home though it was getting dark.
Or when we stayed up way too late talking on the phone
The butterflies, the tears we cried
The night it all went wrong.

I can read that poem now 6 years later and smile and laugh at my Taylor Swift like dramatic rhymes. However, I'll never forget that feeling nor any of the heartbreaks that followed it. Some small disappointments and others were near paralyzing. Great or small we all go through them.
It is the price we pay, the risk we take for the dream of happily ever after.

I am grateful to the boy who kindly looked after my broken heart and gave back gently when I asked for it. He taught me a lot this summer and showed me that your heart can be broken in the kindest of ways.

\\ I was sad so I worked a ton this week to keep busy. 9am to 9pm I learned is a little too much but I was so glad I had jobs I loved as an outlet.

Also grateful for the two goofs pictured below that showed up at my house with cookies one day and kicked my trash on a run and some basketball another day. Solid best friends right there.

 I made some good use of my hammock this week as well as I search the scriptures for some needed peace and guidance.

  

It hasn't been fun but I guess if it had to happen it was okay that it happened to be the weekend my whole family was in town. Nothing treats a case of broken heart like 7 different people taking turns hugging you. I was grateful for "team Megan" and the love they gave me that helped fill the cracks of a heartbreak.

(all said and done.. I think I will publish this one.)

Childish Things

I spend everyday with kids. My best friends are between the ages of 3 and 11 years old and I couldn't be happier.
I love children. As a child I loved adults. Kinda backwards but it is working out in my favor.

I really wanted to be a nanny this summer and have been so blessed to work with some great families.
Children are refreshing and exhausting all at the same time.

I love the blunt honesty you get,
The pure joy at the simplicity of life,
The fast friendship and quick forgiveness,
I love that they love me, want me and need me. That's what we all want in life isn't it? My little people fill my tank.

It has been the best way to make money- I paint bird houses, make play-dough, run around splash pads, explore children's museums... as well as be a human jungle gym, calm tantrums, take 10 trips to the bathroom in an hour and best of all get lots of hugs and snuggles.

The combination of a couple families this summer has resulted in me loving 11 children that aren't mine. I've thought a lot about the way I want to raise my own family watching the dynamics play out at different houses. Everyday is something new and I'm learning lots of do's and don'ts.
This last week we saw "Santa Claus" at McDonald's when we stopped for ice cream. Santa was super friendly.  He warned us to be good as Christmas magic sparkled in children's eye on a hot July afternoon. It's little moments like that. It is when I show up to pick them up from preschool and get wrapped in hugs, proudly handed paintings and told multiple stories all at once.

I love coming home from work with sore arms from having a 3 year old on each hip (twins are an adventure), with greasy hair from little hands that play with it all day, with occasional mystery spills on my clothes and stickers on my legs and paint on my hands. My big craft bag has a permanent home in the back of my car and I've become a pro at car seats. I honestly love my job!
They are full of life, funny and ambitious. They are good for me.

(PS could I have more run on sentences or fragments? I love having no rules and no grading rubric.)

Snap chat filters were made for easy babysitting entertainment.

Paper bag puppets were a hit of an activity.

classic kool-aid playdough

We had a Christmas party complete with presents and Graham cracker houses that sadly resulted in sick tummys. I'm not the healthiest nanny they have ever had..oops.

This was such a fun day though. They were so proud of the presents they made me. So sweet and thoughtful they were in their drawing of the activities we had done all summer.

This was a cute Pinterest idea and awesome for the hot St. George sun. Freeze little treasures and then use a hammer to smash them free.

I like to try and see the world through their eyes- sometimes it's upside down or inside a castle fort.

Some days we play so hard... exhausted kids are the best reward.

It's fun to be a 21 year old kid. One day they asked me if my friends were as "kid-like" as I was. Living life like a child is healthy. Be happy and excited, show emotion easily, be bluntly honest, love without judgement or expectations. My summer job is 50% playing mom and 50% playing kid- perfect balance. xoxo Summer 2k16 :)