Thomas is asleep and I should be too but someone else is awake.
I feel him moving the most late at night. Sometimes I just like to lay here and feel him wiggle. It brings peace to my heart in a way nothing else can.
It’s in these moments that he feels real. Not just an idea we talk about or a new need I create a registry for. It’s these late nights we share, just him and I, where he feels like my son.
Someone I am responsible for protecting.
My Covid baby.
I’ve been fortunate during this pandemic.
Yes, I am out of work. However, our student loan has been able to cover our rent. We wont have the savings we were planning for when the baby comes but we should still be alright.
Yes, everything in our life seemed to have changed over night.
We are fortunate. We have gracious parents who have allowed us to live in their homes and eat their food. I've been able to see a few loved ones I wasn't planning on seeing for a while.
Yes, I’ve felt frustrated and worried about the virus but none of my family members have been infected.
I know I am much better off than many.
Yet I’m still sad.
This pregnancy feels controlled by the pandemic. I feel cheated out of seamingly small things: No traditional baby shower, no one to comment on my growing bump, no increased tips at work (my bank account was looking forward to that), no in store shopping for clothes or supplies.
These are all trivial things but they felt important to me. Then there is the worry that the virus will spike again as some have predicted. These worries are less trival, rather big deal things.
Will this mean I’ll be alone in the delivery room? Will my mom be able to come stay with us when we bring the baby home? Will I get to introduce him to anyone in person? While I’m grateful for technology we all know that FaceTime just isn’t the same.
My covid baby.
How will his life be different because of this? Will I feel comfortable letting people hold him? If flu season wasn’t enough how will my new mother nerves handle corona? Will we get to have a baby blessing with a group larger than 10? Will I feel safe leaving my home for a walk in the park? When will I be able to take him to church or play group? Will my grandparents get to meet him?
Utah has been lucky as far as numbers go and that has allowed people to live more normally. While that isn’t necessarily bad, I feel a sense of panic watching St. George fill up like spring break every weekend. I know I can’t say much because I came here but I selfishly want everyone else to STAY AWAY! Stay home, stay safe. Yes, to flatten the curve. Yes, to protect those at risk. But also selfishly I want this to end so my last few months of pregnancy can be somewhat normal. And mostly so my baby won’t be a
Covid baby.
I have 114 days until my due date and I don’t feel like we are in the clear. I don’t think that we are going to get any closer to normal life by deciding that a few weeks of quarantine was enough. Now maybe I’m wrong. I hope I am. I hope we did enough to make the last month or so worth it. I guess I’m just not willing to take that risk. I guess I just think what was the point of it all if we don't see it through? It seems like a double standard to fast and pray, to not gather together, to sew masks and make thank you signs for front line workers... and then what... get tired of it and push for everything to go on as normal. I just don't know how to feel anymore.
I’ve seen all the posts “be kind”, “everyone is doing the best they know how”, “we aren’t all in the same boat” but during these late nights I feel selfish. I want what’s best for this baby.
My Covid baby.
No wonder he flips around so much late at night. His mom is a basket case.
I’m no doctor and I’m not a politician.
I don’t claim to know what is best for the health of the nation physically or finically. I try and stay away from news articles because neither argument makes me feel better.
All I know is- I have done all I can to do my part. I haven’t seen any of my friends in St. George. I haven’t accepted any clients. I wore a mask to the grocery store and felt like a weirdo. But those are the only things I can control. I'm realistically a pretty insignificant part of the pandemic at large. We all are. That's why is doesn't work if we aren't pulling the same direction.
I wish these nights feeling him move allowed me to imagine what he will look like or grow up to be. It feels like I can’t picture those things until I know how I’m gonna get him here.
So tonight I write down my thoughts hoping to clear some space for thoughts of a healthy, happy, visited, admired and safe
