Heartbreaks

(This is one of those might never be published posts but I will never sleep while the words float around my head)

It has been a terrible, no good, very bad 6 days. My coping has ranged from running way too far in the hot St. George heat that might have given me a little heat stroke 

to

eating cake and ice cream in my bed while watching Netflix until I exhaust myself to sleep. (and then having nightmares from the sugar I'm sure)

Those balance each other out right?

Dramatic? probably. but that's dating for ya.

I've learned a thing or two over the last period of my life about heartbreaks.

It is far easier to be mad than sad.

Angry, irritation, and bitterness have been my fallback. The immature and unhealthy way, maybe.
As painful as those feelings can be they are easier to acknowledge than disappointment, despair and dismay. Underneath the anger that is what is hiding anyway.
I've worried that those feelings of grief without anger meant I was making a mistake.
This time around in my dating endeavors he gave me nothing to be angry about or frustrated at. He was nothing but kind, mature and honest as I struggled to form complete sentences. In some ways that made it worse and harder to let go.

My summer romance was some what of a big time-out from life's worries. It was full of magical moments and meaningful memories. Full of laughs and new friendships. I loved it. I felt safe there in a new little bubble of happy. As the timeout clock began to run short on time I realized what going back into the game would mean. I began to panic when I realized I couldn't hide in my happy bubble for much longer. All of the things I came home for the summer to figure out were still there. I still had to go back to school. I had chosen to ignore most of it. In some ways it was needed but it was also time to put the cleats back on and step onto the field again.

Going through old boxes of crap I came across a poem I had written after my very first heartbreak. At 16 years old I remember feeling like I would never be okay again.

Everyone knows it isn't easy to have a broken heart
ripped out torn to pieces left with just a part.
Wishing I could move on, not live in the past.
But it's not that easy to move on quite so fast.
One day at a time I'll take it rather slow,
trying to forget that one last final blow.
Hold on to the good time, throw away the bad,
Maybe someday soon I wont be so sad.

I wish that we could go back to the way things were before.
Instead I have to sit here curled on the floor.
No way to start over
Just a bit too late
How much I wish and want just to wipe the slate.
Although this heart inside me aches and puts up a fight.
I hear this little voice of reason that reminds me it isn't right.

I think about that one night moon lit walks in the park
didn't want to go home though it was getting dark.
Or when we stayed up way too late talking on the phone
The butterflies, the tears we cried
The night it all went wrong.

I can read that poem now 6 years later and smile and laugh at my Taylor Swift like dramatic rhymes. However, I'll never forget that feeling nor any of the heartbreaks that followed it. Some small disappointments and others were near paralyzing. Great or small we all go through them.
It is the price we pay, the risk we take for the dream of happily ever after.

I am grateful to the boy who kindly looked after my broken heart and gave back gently when I asked for it. He taught me a lot this summer and showed me that your heart can be broken in the kindest of ways.

\\ I was sad so I worked a ton this week to keep busy. 9am to 9pm I learned is a little too much but I was so glad I had jobs I loved as an outlet.

Also grateful for the two goofs pictured below that showed up at my house with cookies one day and kicked my trash on a run and some basketball another day. Solid best friends right there.

 I made some good use of my hammock this week as well as I search the scriptures for some needed peace and guidance.

  

It hasn't been fun but I guess if it had to happen it was okay that it happened to be the weekend my whole family was in town. Nothing treats a case of broken heart like 7 different people taking turns hugging you. I was grateful for "team Megan" and the love they gave me that helped fill the cracks of a heartbreak.

(all said and done.. I think I will publish this one.)